Alucam: Webcam featuring Alucard and the Hellsing cast
by victoriarogue
Summary: This is my first parody, not counting the Bring it On series I'm working on. I was inspired by GingerAnne and TFS to start this, but I'm mostly using my story for Hellsing, which is post-manga/-anime, as a reference. If you find anything OOC, I did it on purpose. Parodies usually slash characters.
1. Chapter 1

It was a quiet Thursday night at around eleven or twelve o'clock in London, England. At the Hellsing Organization's headquarters, Sir Integra was going through the day's minimal amount of paperwork. She had her new butler, Baron vanGouge, to thank for being able to decrease the amount of signatures and files needed to get authorization processed for different projects. The butler was currently in the kitchen preparing her top vampire executioners' brunch since they had to miss their breakfast for a brief meeting. Now, it is important to know that Integra _hates_ meetings, but, this time and on the strangest occasion, Alucard, her top vampire hunter, filed a request for some new living room furniture. The claim was, and she felt the urge to quote...

"Master, it has been some time since I've spoken to you on casual terms, hasn't it?" the master vampire started. Before this, he phased through the walls to enter her office. Of course, by her having "Alucard" withdrawal for thirty years, she was caught off-guard more frequently than before when he would do this. None of this information answered his question or hers.

"Before or after the thirty years you've been gone?" she retorted, frowning.

"You're still mad about that?" Alucard questioned, raising an eyebrow. You would think she'd forget all about it.

"What d'ye want, servant?" Integra shouted, blushing from the realization that she held a grudge for a second there.

"I have a request my master."

Speaking of requests, the new Round Table members requested some footage as proof that Hellsing Organization was a trusted company that could handle vampires and their attacks. Integra thought about this for a moment then made a decision on what to do within that instant. She said, "And I have a...favor to ask of you, Alucard."

"Then enlighten me, master. What favor?"

"Well," Integra started, sighing, "due to the Round Table having replaced members, we have to convince these people to continue letting our organization hunt vampires until I retire."

"Or die," Alucard finished, grinning wickedly at the notion. Integra gave him a look that made him flinch a bit, seeing hurt emanate from her eyes and slouching back. He then said, "What? I'm just sayin'!"

"Yes, well, just for that, I'm not gonna listen to your stupid request," Integra argued.

Alucard went deathly silent for a moment then put up his hands resignedly and said, "My apologies, master."

"Yeah, yeah, we both know you don't mean it. What do you want? I still have work to do."

"You just wanna see my butler bend over backwards for you 'cause he's sexy. Admit it!" Alucard teased, widening his eyes and grin.

"Hey, know what? I'm flipping you off!" Integra spat, pointing her middle finger in the air.

"Oh, it's like that then?" Alucard questioned, narrowing his eyes at the vulgar gesture.

"You're the one who keeps provoking me!" Integra yelled back.

"You're the bitch with the grudge."

"Asshole!"

"Lady dick!"

"Fuck you!" Integra shouted more obnoxiously than before.

"Fuck you!"

Silence passed between them as they stared at each other, wondering who would fall first in the glaring battle, but no one actually won this round. In fact, all they saw was a lot of paperwork and junk on the desk. Now, the battle they had to fight was who could get rid of the most stuff on Integra's desk.

About an hour passed since Seras ate her brunch with Baron in the tea garden. She finally got a chance to simply talk with the man and got to know him a bit better. He was (above all else) a family man and loved barbeques with his kids. They drunk a few beers together, talked about life and how it treated them, and even planned out fun activities to do together. Maybe one day she could join them.

"Hey, Seras, are you okay?" the man asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Huh?" she chirped, blushing when she realized she hadn't paid attention to those last details in the conversation they were holding. "Oh, I'm fine!"

"You were spacing off again," Baron said, chuckling. He checked his watch then rose to his feet, saying, "Well, we'd better go check on Sir Integra. She'll have herself a cow if I don't finish the research for the new mission. Plus, she has more files to sign."

"I'll come with you, Baron. At least you'll have some company," Seras said, following Baron out.

* * *

Alucard was seated on his throne in the basement with his legs crossed a wide grin on his face as he watched Baron set up a camcorder. Earlier, the butler had caught him making out with Integra on the desk, but he seemed to be less upset about it than Seras. Perhaps he didn't care. Why would he? Baron cracked his knuckles, feeling the tripod was set up high enough, and then went to adjust the lighting in the vampire's dark abode. Alucard, of course, just watched. Humans could busy themselves with the smallest of things! When Baron finally turned to face him, he reduced his Cheshire cat grin to a simple smirk as the butler rested a tired hand on his shoulder.

"Alright, Mister Alucard, the recorder's time limit's been set so all you have to do is start talking. Once it recognizes your voice, it'll start."

Alucard nodded and watched as the man left. When Baron was out of earshot, Alucard whispered to himself, "Why are his pants so tight today?"

"Camcorder activated. Hello, Mr. Alucard," a mechanical voice sounded.

"Hello?" Alucard greeted in return, finding the exchange a tad impersonal. He much preferred someone actually being there. He ignored this thought then proceeded to say to the audience and readers, "Welcome to the Hellsing Organization. My master, Sir Integra, has ordered me, the great and powerful, bloodthirsty beast from the ravenous underworld who even Satan recognizes as a monster, to document my life and perhaps use this ungodly, English technology as a means of entertainment. This recorder, or whatever the hell you call this device, is my own private stalker and perhaps - dare I utter the damned words - my only closest friend. Of course, I have living snac - friends! Yes, I do have friends here in the organization. Our new butler since the passing of my old friend, Walter C. Dornez, has become a new favorite of mine. He's so full of life, that man! Baron vanGouge! Quite possibly the most interesting man I've met so far - always has a quip ready. Maybe next time I'll add him to another recording to show my viewers."

"Master," Seras called from a distance. "Baron will be coming soon with the blood packs and a mission."

"Ah, dinner time! That wonderful voice that you just heard was the police girl's. Seras Victoria. I found her on a mission in Cheddar Village. But you know, the funny thing about Cheddar Village is they're not famous for their cheese or luxurious lifestyle. I always thought towns, cities, or whatever were named after something or someone that was important at the time. How was cheese (cheddar, I might add) so important? Did they just run out of ham and mayonaise one day and go 'Sweet Sabbath, if I don't start eating something else soon, I'm literally gonna shit bricks from all this bread.' I wonder if some random newspaper boy went, 'Extra! Extra! A middle-aged farmer discovered grilled cheese sandwiches!' Bastard made a fortune outta that shit. Kids eat that up like a man eats out a - "

"Mister Alucard, your dinner and tea," Baron interrupted, balancing two trays in either hand.

"Tea? When the fuck did vampires start drinking tea? If this is master's way of getting me to - "

"No, no, sir. It's blood tea," the butler said, placing the trays down on the small coffee table next to Alucard's throne. He was having a hard time setting things down on such a small space, which is why Alucard wrote a file for more furniture to Sir Integra in the first place. Everyone else had better furniture. Why couldn't he at least have a dinner table or something? Baron continued, "My daughter learned this new recipe, so I thought you would like to try some."

"The redhead or the one I haven't met yet?" Alucard asked, knowing Baron hated getting his children involved in their conversations unless he's talking about fond memories.

"Yeah, that one," Baron responded, ignoring the topic almost completely.

"Oh," Alucard responded. Now, it's particularly unusual for Alucard to be attracted to other men when he was such a seductive tomcat himself, but Baron's pants were disturbingly tight on him today. The camcorder in front of him adjusted to Baron's shadows and alerted the master vampire to something. The camera was focusing on Baron's behind. The vampire then pushed Baron's hip gently and said, "Get your ass out of the stalker's eye, darling. You'll start another baby boom. This isn't a gay porn, you know."

"You're stalking me now?" Baron asked, chuckling a bit.

"You usually come to me. I say you're the stalker."

"Dude, I only come down here to feed you so I can make this money and bounce."

Alucard blinked at the butler for a moment then said, "That was gangster. You're not a gangster. When did you start talking gangster?"

"I don't!" Baron argued, rolling his eyes. "God, just shut up and eat. I'm trying to get away from your crazy ass!"

"What, you don't like my ass? Am I not good enough for you?"

"I'm just gonna ignore the gay-ness that just transpired in those few seconds entirely," Baron said, turning to the door. "If you don't mind, I'll be leaving."

"What, I thought we had something special."

"Just eat your dinner so I can go!" Baron snapped, turning to Alucard with an annoyed expression on his face. "I have paperwork to finish. Try the tea."

"So this blood tea... Is there blood in it or is it blood that tastes like tea?"

"No, I took a cleaning lady out to the backyard and shot her in cold blood. Her autopsy showed she drunk tea beforehand."

"As sexy as that phrasing sounded, I'm gonna have to say no to the tea. And when I mean no, I mean fuck no. I'm not taking the wrap for you just so master can bitch at me."

"If I spanked your ass hard enough, would you cover for me?" Baron asked, raising an eyebrow.

"How hard are we talkin'?"

"Oh my god, you're hard down there! Ugh, control yourself! You're a man, aren't you?"

"Not counting those fifty years ago when I turned into a woman and got really horny for our old butler, Walter, yes, I have been a man for about 500 years. I've been a horny bastard for twice as long."

"Well, do something to soften it up," Baron fussed, gagging. "I'm gonna go sign papers."

"Bye, honey."

"Fuck you!"

"In time, sweetie, in time. I have to order a box of condoms," Alucard commented, hearing the door slam behind the butler. "I should get a tent, too. Show those gay cowboys what real sex in the ass is about."

"Master, I'm going out on a mission. Will you be okay by yourself?" Seras asked.

"Is Sir Integra and Baron leaving with you?"

"Baron's staying here this time to get more research done."

"I'll be fine, police girl," Alucard yelled back, turning to the camera. "This is just our little secret. I actually just make myself hard on purpose to see Baron's reaction. This tea isn't half bad, though. Now, how it's actually done is for another day. We were talking about how I met the police girl. It was a pleasant, summer evening in Cheddar Village. Sir Integra had just given me my orders and, in the midst of the bloodshed, the young, dumb, full of cum police girl was trying her best to survive. She did well for herself 'til I blew a hole straight through the right titty. Boom, boom, biatch!"

"Alucard, Sir Integra wants you to join Seras on her mission," Baron called, not bothering to go in the basement a third time to see the vampire. "An agent's informed us that the RS3 are heading in the same direction."

"An RS what?"

"RS3."

"I believe you mean the PS3. Why do I care about a video game console?"

"Goddammit, Alucard! It's a codename for the Red Scare III."

"Oh, I have to go! My wifey's on a mission. Alucard out."

And that's how Alucard and Seras ended up in Toledo, Spain...


	2. Chapter 2

Baron van Gouge was hustling about trying to ready the camcorder, replenish the blood packs for the resident vampires of Hellsing, and continue conducting research with the department for Sir Integra. Apparently, he was now a favorite slave for the Hellsing Organization. After Integra chewed the master vampire, Alucard, out, she started barking orders like she was pissed off about something. In all honesty, the butler didn't want to know what happened between them. Last time he checked up on Integra, she was making out with said master vampire on her desk. Whatever happened down there this time was none of his business, and, when Alucard proceeded to bother with Integra, it sounded like someone was getting killed in her office. Yeah, not his business. He was perfectly fine getting a snack from his eldest child and son, Joshua. Barbequed hamburgers were the best thing to eat on a lunch break; plus, he always enjoyed beer time with his two kids. Danny knew how to get his beers just right as far as cold ones go.

When Baron set the camcorder to record, he turned around to see Alucard just standing on the far side of the basement and staring at him like he usually does. He didn't honestly care whether he burned his back with laser beam eyes so long as he could walk to the kitchen and chill with his family. Tonight, he was cooking for dinner, which his kids got excited about. He had to decide what they should eat. Unless Alucard wants a bite of his ass, Baron made it a mission not to invite Alucard into the kitchen for any reason. Baron saluted the vampire and then proceeded to leave until Alucard stopped him.

"Do you mind if I ask a serious question, Baron van Gouge?" the vampire purred.

_**'Camcorder activated. Hello, Mr. Alucard.'**_

"Why hello, my dear stalker," Alucard greeted. He then turned to Baron again and said, "So about that question..."

"Depends on the question," the butler responded, raising an eyebrow.

"Are your clothes just naturally tight or does Sir Integra make you wear tight clothes?"

"You tell me," Baron replied.

"Excuse me, master," Seras called from the door. "Is Baron with you, sir?"

"Yes, I'm here," Baron answered, turning to the stairs.

"Sir Integra requires your presence. She said you had a document she needed to sign."

"I gave her all the papers she needed to sign already," Baron said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"She said she's missing one."

"The hell is that woman on?" Baron questioned, scratching his chin. His long-sleeved shirt tore at the bicep when he did this. He then swore, "Shit! Ran outta thread last night."

"You've been working out too much, darling," Alucard remarked. "Any more squats and you'll be able to pick up an apple up by the stem with your ass cheeks. You don't have to be jacked to get my attention."

"Alucard, I swear to God! Off a plane, in the ocean!" Baron threatened, causing the entire shirt to bust apart. "Aw, son of a bitch!"

"Waitin' on the pants now," Alucard commented, smirking mischievously.

"Hey, know what? Fuck you," Baron snapped, stomping up the stairs with his shredded shirt in his hands.

Alucard watched as Baron disappeared up the stairs then laughed obnoxiously when he heard Seras collapse on the floor. Clearly, she wasn't prepared for Baron to come out of the basement shirtless. The vampire then sighed, having finally returned from his mission in Toledo that Sunday morning to relax for a while. As he calmly sat down on his throne, he felt his knees and lower back crack. He removed his goggles and hat, placed the articles on the table, and then turned to the audience and viewers. Grinning proudly, he waved nonchalantly and proceeded to speak to the audience.

"Hello, and welcome to the Hellsing Organization. I am Alucard, top agent of the vampire hunting unit. I just returned from a mission in Spain. Seras and Heinkel Wolfe gave me quite the show in that beautiful country. I got a nice boner out of that incident. Indeed," Alucard said, chuckling a bit and then pouring wine into his glass. "It was rather cute looking at the police girl get busy with a priestess. Not enough nudity for my tastes. I wouldn't have minded seeing some tits or a little more ass - not panties, mind you. I mean the full-on ass. Oh well, maybe next mission. We'll see, we'll see."

"Master, Sir Integra wants us to see her in another hour."

"Did she see Baron already?"

"Well, she's in the infirmary for a hemorrhage right now, so I don't know."

"A~ah, that bitch got a nosebleed from a six pack!" Alucard remarked, laughing. "I'll be up there momentarily, police girl. Go check on my master in the meantime."

"Yes, sir!"

Alucard clapped off the rest of his laughter before turning back to the audience and the viewers. He said, "Speaking of check ups, I met a woman in Spain who decided to check me out. I think I'll call her my cougar wifey 'til she tells me her name. But, you know, most Spanish people either have a really common name like Hernandez, Javier, Maria, or Sanchez, or a really hard fucking name that you don't even bother trying to pronounce so you just call them Bob or Mary. I'm calling my cougar wifey Maria for the time being. I met her in Toledo while I was on my way to the lodge. The police girl and I were idly passing through, preparing for a nice trip to the movies, and then she came up to me and started feelin' me out. Not the regular feelin' me out but the _'I feel like I know you and should probably check just in case'_ feelin' me out. I thought it was sexy, so I decided to give her a call after the movie... The police girl isn't allowed to pick any more flicks. Apparently, she found the Jonas Brothers orchestra attractive and thought we should watch that... Yeah, not a second time. Shame on me if it happens again. So anyway, I was all like..."

* * *

_**About two days ago...maybe give or take a couple of hours...I don't know...**_

"Hey, Maria? Yeah, just watched a crap movie with the big-tittied police girl. Mind if I stop by?"

"M-master, we shouldn't do this," Seras pleaded, following behind Alucard as they walked through town on their way back to the lodge Baron reserved for them to stay in. "If Sir Integra finds out, we're screwed ten times over!"

Alucard snapped his entire body around, grabbed Seras by the front of her dress so her cleavage showed a bit, and then began arguing, "That bitch has been screwing us since the dawn of her reign as Hellsing leader. She doesn't pay us, she makes us wear ridiculously tight clothes for her amusement, and when was the last time we got to have any fun? 1983? Plus, I've been horny for the past 85 years. I need to grope something, or I am literally gonna lose both my balls! Wanna know how awkward it is to walk around with no balls when you've had balls since birth?"

"Why sir - !" Seras started, blushing from the notion that her own master - the Hellsing dog from hell - hadn't been relieved in so long, before being interrupted.

"Didn't think so. Now...you in?"

Seras swatted Alucard's hand away, straightened out her dress and then argued, "Alright, first of all, let's get a few things on the table. Master, I'm not a guy. I don't have balls. Let's just get that out there. Two, I have breasts."

"Exquisite breasts," Alucard commented, earning a deadpanned look from the blonde.

"Whatever. I'll have these bitches 'til I'm long dead," Seras pointed out, squeezing her boobs to show they can't be removed like an implant. "Can't lose these balls here. Three, I'm a virgin. My dream is to lose my virginity to someone special. I want a legitimately reasonable relationship with a man or woman, whichever comes first, a nice date where I look my sexiest and wear as much lace, leather, and silk - "

"God, I need to hump something! Get to the point," Alucard practically screamed in public. He didn't really care (nor did the police girl) about the eyes staring at them as though the two vampires were crazy. At this point, they both wanted some relief but only one of them had genuine access to the prized concern.

"Let me finish! As I was saying, I want to look my sexiest on my special date. When the mood is just right, I'll screw my lover's brains out. Okay, master, the point is I have _no one_ to work off my sexual frustration. What am I gonna do while you bother some 95-year-old with your sexual tendencies and fetishes? I can't very well leave you alone because I'm not the best liar,_ especially_ with Sir Integra, and God forbid if Baron's on the other line asking where the hell you are. I can't lie to him for any reason!"

"Police girl," Alucard was about to slap Seras at this point but he understood her blight. He, himself, had to suffer the long years without a partner though he wasn't a virgin like she was. It made him proud that she was still human underneath her clueless personality as a vampire. To make things easier for her, he broke down a simple plan for her and it went like this... "there's a computer in the lodge. Look up some Spanish porn, find the Vaseline, and hunt high and low for anything resembling a dick. You're a vampire, use your fucking imagination. Fuck, find a glass vase if you have to! I don't care! If you don't want to get into that kind of Spanish culture, call Baron on the phone and see how good he talks dirty. He's 54. He's been around the block. I'm sure he can do something _for_ you if not _to_ you. If you don't like that option, research what you can to find Sloth's number. If you find it, talk to her about fucking the enemy raw and uncut. Now, if you will excuse me, Maria is waiting on me and my balls are waiting on her hands. GO!"

* * *

_**At the lodge...and now switching to Seras' point of view instead of Alucard's because he couldn't possibly know what Seras is doing on the computer...**_

Seras was pissed. Yep, pissed. She was finally alone for a change, which was something new, and her quality time so far was changing into a nice silk top and shorts for bed. She somehow managed to order some blood ice cream, or Blood Cream as they called it, from a nice local delivery shop but couldn't seduce the delivery man into staying with her a little longer since he was backed up on orders. He was very handsome, though: tall, bronze-skinned, muscled arms, shiny black hair - Oh God, why was she calling for another order of Blood Cream.

Seras slammed the phone onto its receiver, blushing furiously then whimpered to herself, "I can't believe master just left me in this lodge. I'm gonna text him every ten seconds for the hell of it. See how his balls twitch to that!"

She sighed, knowing she wouldn't be able to do that and live the next day or night. The computer was in the front. She could just enjoy some videos with her ice cream. Baron did say the internet was connected to the TV, so whatever she decided to watch would be on the big screen. Seras walked to the couch, placed her ice cream on the coffee table in front of the soft couch, and retrieved the remote from the top of the 42" TV. When she turned the TV on, she noticed there were messages on her Facebook app in the main menu. She clicked on the Facebook icon and saw a few friend requests.

"Oh, Baron sent me a friend request on Facebook," Seras said, blushing a bit at the fact that he would even take the time to send one. This made Seras wonder about Alucard's suggestion to see if the butler was interested in phone sex. She accepted the friend request in lieu of that thought and then looked over her shoulder to see the phone calling out to her.

_'Hey, there, hot stuff. Wanna play with my buttons?'_

Seras jumped back from the phone's creepy predator voice then shook her head. She definitely preferred to fondle a human's buttons...or a vampire's. She guessed she could swing either way. She looked at the phone again then reached for it saying, "I guess I can always call to see - wait, that's exactly what that bastard wants me to do. No! I'm not gonna call Baron about dirty talking. Dammit! Now I want to know if he can for the hell of it! Know what? Fuck you, fuck all of you, fuck life, fuck my life! Why can't I find anyone decent to fuck me? I just want someone who doesn't look at my huge jugs when they see me! Is that too much to ask?"

Actually, it isn't since Seras remembered quite clearly that there were only two people in her entire vampire life who didn't look at her boobs: Sloth and Adolph. Everyone else died in battle. Good chaps, all of them. They knew how to party at least and died having a big one. Wars are the biggest excuses to have a few shots of Jaeger or Evergreen. If you wanted to go light, a beer would do you justice. Curious to know if Sloth was even on Facebook like she was, Seras decided to type her name in the search box and waited for the results. People had the nerve to type their names as one of the seven deadly sins. Who the fuck was Envy? What the hell was Full Metal Alchemist? Bullshit is what that is! Believe it or not, as Seras looked down the list of her search results, the very last result she found had her target.

"Wha - ? How? Why is Sloth on Facebook? Why does the Red Scare III have their own webpage on Facebook? Why did I just send a friend request to Sloth, who works for the Red Scare III, on her Facebook?"

Within seconds of unconsciously requesting to be a friend, Sloth appeared on the TV screen in the form of a Webcam/Skype image. She had a video chat app on her Facebook page apparently. Next thing police girl knew, Sloth kindly asked her, "Why the fuck are you sending me a friend request, Hellsing agent? Did you forget we're enemies?"

"I remember perfectly well you're an enemy," Seras argued, raising her voice. Her eyebrow in defeat as she realized she decided to forget they were enemies for once so she could look up her profile. With it having been found, however, she could contact Sir Integra, Baron, and Alucard and exploit their enemy. She would be a hero within the Hellsing circle. Her genius web findings could save time and money from - to hell with that shit! She knew damned well this was just a coincidence. She then said, "I just...wanted to know if you were really our Sloth or an imposter."

"You suck at lying," the woman said annoyed.

"Fuck you!"

"Yeah, well, I'm busy. I've got research to do if you don't mind."

"If you're so fucking busy, why are you on Facebook?" Seras argued.

"I get notified about requests on Facebook live. You and that master of yours sent me requests."

"Since when did master have a Facebook?"

"I dunno. Ask him, not me."

"I'd rather not."

"What do you want?" Sloth questioned, impatiently.

"Um, actually... are you in Toledo right now?"

* * *

_**Back to Hellsing**_** mansion...**

"I must say, Maria knew how to give a good spanking to say she was old. That's beside the point, however. The good thing is, master has no idea what happened while we were in Toledo so I'm relishing in the fact that I'm home free with this. The secret is between vampires only; although, I do wonder what the police girl managed to do while she was on her own. That's a bigger mystery. Speaking of mysteries, I must confess about who my actual wifey is. My _real_, sexy wifey wasn't in Toledo as I hoped she'd be, so I've been trying to discover ways to alleviate my disappointment in not seeing her. Who is my wifey you're asking? Well, it's neither the police girl nor Sir Integra. No, they had their chances thirty years ago when I offered. I even took the time to offer Rip van Winkle a chance to be with me rather than the Major. Fuck those bitches is what I say. They chose to be with other men, which - I mean, what's wrong with being with the most _powerful, bloody_ warrior in all of England, Poland, Brazil, and Romania combined? What did those bastards have that I didn't? I don't wanna brag, but I like to think of myself as a hot piece of undead ass. I mean, I'd go to clubs with me every now and then. I can be their lesbian affair that they'd much rather get over. I'm pretty good in bed. I banged the fucking queen of England for fuck's sa - well, okay, so did Walter. But that was an awesome threesome! I made Seras into a vampire and what does she do? Does she give me a blowjob or a licky-licky snack? No, she sucks Sir Integra's - my master's - finger like it's the best cock in the nation and was seen with that Frenchmen, Pip Bernadotte, on a regular basis! I have ten fingers, a cock, Nosferatu blood, and I can speak two languages and not once does she come to me for anything other than training and sleeping in my bloody coffin!"

"Master, Sir Integra requires your presence in thirty minutes," Seras calls, knocking on the door.

"Be there in fifteen," Alucard replies, hearing her run from his door. "See what I mean? Nothing! Well, there's some perks with not having a relationship with the police girl. At least I don't have to hear her whining about wanting to keep her humanity. I don't have to find ways to trick her into having sex, and I don't have to worry about her independence turning her into a bitch if she drinks my blood. Nah, the police girl's been a nice breath of fresh ass. Air! I meant air! Yes, she's a nice breast of fresh air. She's always helpful and charming. One of her better qualities."

"Mister Alucard, I - "

"Baron van Gouge."

"Yes, hello, sir," the butler said, jogging down the stairs and towards Alucard. He had his lunch trays in his hands as he tried to catch his breath. When he finished setting up the master vampire's luncheon, he said, "I'll be leaving in a few minutes to run some errands. I'm serving your lunch a little early today."

"What sort of errands are you running?"

"I'm just going shopping for food and stuff. We have to look for a house as well."

"What, you don't like living with us?" Alucard questioned. He certainly didn't want his emergency foods mobilizing too far from his reach. It was ungodly! "We pay you, talk to you, provide you with work clothes - "

"No, Sir Integra pays me and provides work clothes that are tight enough to make God question her fashion choices. I was wondering why miss Victoria always wore that tight, red dress to work, but apparently it's not just her. Now, it's me!"

"Well, your ass does look better in tight pants. Plus, you've got some nice guns about to break free from that shirt. How old are you again?"

"54. I pump iron every day, and stop staring at my ass!" Baron shouted, punching Alucard in his arm rather harshly. This only made the master vampire stare at him and grin. Just before his eyes wandered below the belt, Baron claimed, "All of you are perverts!"

"And I concur with that!" Seras piped up, running into Alucard's basement. She immediately went to Baron's side, making Alucard feel left out of something interesting, and then demanded to know, "Why is it that Sir Integra and master get to work in perfectly loose, comfortable clothes while we have to wear these tight garments that could explode at any given moment? I demand a legitimate reason other than so you can move faster! Master, explain yourself."

Alucard was confused for a moment, not seeing how their clothes was any of his problems, but decided to amuse himself by saying, "I didn't pick these outfits out for you. I didn't pick my outfit out for me. I've asked for a new one ages ago 'cause this thing is as old as dirt and I'm even older than that. This thing is so old it transforms when I do. Do you think she even considered my request? No, all she did was buy me a hat and said work with this!"

"Oh, hell no! Seras, let's go. We've got a bitch to aggravate," Baron said, marching up the stairs in protest.

"Well, hope that works out for 'em. Personally, I like their outfits 'cause it accentuates their...delicious features. Speaking of delicious features, I almost forgot about my wifey. She has some delightful features that I could just bend over and - "

"Master, Sir Integra said you never filed a request about your clothes."

"Oh, that's bullshit!" Alucard shouted in rage.

"She said you didn't care about your clothes since you can change them whenever you want."

"I'm sorry, viewers. I gotta go file for employee discrimination. Alucard, out."


End file.
